i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
