I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
