Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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