this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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