He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
