I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i now understand why vodka
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
