you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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