wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
