just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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