We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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