textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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