so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
