I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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