your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sext me about skeletons
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
