i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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