So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
