I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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