That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
