Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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