i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
