someone threw a dead crab at me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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