I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
