John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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