C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
