I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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