When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
