Redeem this text for a blowjob
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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