We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
