I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize