He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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