Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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