Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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