I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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