I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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