The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
