No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
