Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
