I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
