We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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