did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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