Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
