I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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