You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
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If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
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Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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