You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
