One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
