Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.