Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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