I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.