why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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