theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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