Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
