i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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