Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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