You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
