Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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