Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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