spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
