Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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