mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
