and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
