we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
